Victim Services

The following types of behaviors are considered abusive:

Intimidation - The abuser frightens the victim with the following:

• certain "looks"
• gestures
• actions - such as smashing things
• destruction of victim's property or pets
• weapons

Emotional Abuse - To cause emotional abuse, the abuser typically does the following:

• makes the victim feel guilty
• calls the victim names
• embarrasses, humiliates, or demeans the victim
• plays mind games
• tells the victim they are crazy - does or says things that make the victim feel that they are crazy.

Isolation - To cause isolation, the abuser does the following:

• keeps the victim from going places they would like to go, such as visiting family or friends, attending social groups, etc.
• listens to phone conversations or opens mail
• follows the victim around and/or questions them about their whereabouts, using jealousy to justify actions

Minimizing, Denying and Blaming - This occurs when the abuser does the following:

• makes light of the abuse, saying it wasn't that bad
• says the abuse didn't happen
• says the abuse was the victim's fault

Excessively Dominant Partner - This is when the abuser does the following:

• acts like the "master of the house"
• treats the victim like a servant
• makes all the "big" decisions
• defines the victim's role/job
• patronizes, or in any other way, treats the victim like a child, not as an equal adult

Economic Abuse - This becomes abuse when one partner does the following:

• prevents the other from working outside the home
• makes the partner ask for money
• limits the money the partner has
• makes the partner account for every expenditure
• doesn't allow the partner to access information about the family finances

Uses Children - The use of children to abuse a partner occurs when the abuser does the following:

• makes the victim feel guilty about the victim's parenting skills and ability
• makes the victim responsible for all the children's misbehavior or mistakes
• undermines the victim's authority and effectiveness with the children through criticism
• states or implies to the children that the victim is stupid or dumb - can't do anything right
• threatens to take the children away or kill them
• tells the victim that the Department of Child and Family Services will take the children away

Coercion and Threats - Some common threats used to coerce the victim into compliance are as follows:

• threatens to take the children away
• threatens to destroy property
• threatens to harm family or friends
• makes physical threats and/or actions toward the victim
• threatens to leave the victim
• threatens to commit suicide

Information courtesy of the Department of Child and Family Services

Children are direct targets of family violence. Children may suffer from:

• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Neglect

As a result children can feel they are in danger and chaos, feel fearful and tense, confused, isolated and hopeless. Some of the behaviors children may exhibit as a result of being exposed to family violence may include:

• Difficulty learning
• Poor social skills
• Low self-esteem,
• Violent outbursts of anger
• Bullying, withdrawn or dependent
• Bed wetting
• Nightmares
• Digestive problems, ulcers
• Headaches
• Run away
• Poor judgment
• Substance abuse
• Continue with the cycle of abuse in their own personal relationships whether as a victim or an abuser

If you are still in the relationship:

• Think of a safe place to go if an argument occurs - avoid rooms with no exits (bathroom), or rooms with weapons (kitchen).
• Think about and make a list of safe people to contact
• Keep change with you at all times.
• Memorize important numbers
• Establish a "code word" or "sign" so that family, friends, teachers or co-workers know when to call for help.
• Think about what you will say to your partner if he/she becomes violent.

Remember, you have the right to live without fear and violence.

If you have left the relationship:

• Change your phone number.
• Screen calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
• Change locks, if the batterer has the key.
• Avoid staying alone.
• Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
• If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
• Vary your routine.
• Notify school and work contacts.
• Call a shelter for battered women.

If you leave the relationship or are thinking of leaving, you should take important papers and documents with you to enable you to apply for benefits or take legal action.

Important papers you should take include social security cards and birth certificates for you and your children, your marriage license, leases or deeds in your name or both yours and your partner's names, your checkbook, your charge cards, bank statements and charge account statements, insurance policies, proof of income for you and your spouse (pay stubs or W-2's), and any documentation of past incidents of abuse (photos, police reports, medical records, etc.)

You will find more information about how to create a safety plan at this website : http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/MyPersonalSafetyPlan_131.html

Information courtesy of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence

Phase 1 : Tension Building is a time of minor conflicts when threats of violence may increase. This phase may last from a few hours to many months.

Phase 2 : Violence erupts as the abuser throws objects at his/her partner, hits, slaps, kicks, chokes, abuses him/her sexually, uses weapons, or damages property in the home. Once the attack starts, there's little the victim can do to stop it; there generally are no witnesses.

Phase 3 : A period of remorse may follow. This is often called the "Honeymoon" phase. The abuser may apologize, often excessively, and may express guilt of shame. Many abusers will buy gifts, flowers, etc, to ask for forgiveness. Often, the abuser will promise to go into treatment voluntarily, that the violence will never occur again, and that he or she will "change".

Phase 4 : Phase 1 starts all over again. However, the next time the assault occurs, chances are that it will be much more severe.

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